During: The Coming Out Trilogy

So, if you’ve been reading these out of order blogs about when I came out, you’ll know that I started miserable, moved to a new city, grabbed myself a fresh start and was having some fairly convincing thoughts about being maybe just a little bit gay. You’ll know that the aftermath of coming out has been great, although very much pummeled by the sadness that comes from being crossed of the Christmas list of some dear friends, who cannot tolerate my sexuality.

But what about the during?

I don’t want people to think that I made the call to “come out” lightly. When I came out, I was single: I didn’t come out because I was in a relationship, nor did I come out to fit in with the latest trend sweeping the planet.

I did it because it was time to be OK with myself.

I had a couple of concerns, of course – mainly, would my flatmate think I had been perving on her? Would I have to start loving KD Lang? Would I stop wearing deodorant and tending to essential leg and armpit grooming?

None of these things happened.

For the most part, the news was received with a response of “Yep, ok… You’re only just realising?” Seriously. Everyone seemed to know well before I did.

It is worth recounting the conversation I had with my Dad, though. I’d stopped in at his place with the aim of talking to him about it. He wasn’t home, so I wrote him a note and headed to see my sister. I was at the end of the road when he rang…

DAD: Kels why didn’t you ring me when you were here, I was just on the farm.

ME: I don’t know, Dad.

DAD: Well let’s chat now on the phone. How long are you in Sydney for?

ME: Um, I kind of wanted to speak to you in person. I’ve got something to tell you.

DAD: Oh God, you’re not pregnant are you?

ME: No Dad… Kind of the opposite actually…

DAD: You’re becoming a nun?

ME: Noooo… It’s just that I wanted to tell you that I’ve been dating someone. They’re honest and loving and gentle and funny and committed to me.

DAD: Oh. Well that’s good.

ME: Yep… and they are female.

DAD: WHAT??? Kellie! This is going to be a bit of a scandal, we’ve never had one of these in the family before!

ME: I think Dad that people are just going to be happy that I’m happy…

DAD: Well I am. It’s just a bit of a shock. So tell me about this girl..

This was also the year that Dad got his first girlfriend after Mum died. I asked him when my girlfriend could meet his girlfriend. He giggled. I giggled. All was well.

The very vast majority of people have been supportive. Mostly, it comes under the “We’re just so glad you are finally happy” umbrella. I’ve met new people, experienced a whole range of adventures, and essentially, got my life back.

There have been hugely negative responses. From not-so-brave “unfriendings” on Facebook through to openly disgusted emails, I’ve been really devastated to experience judgement, social snubs and the end of some long term friendships.

Regrets?

Nah.

Is life a bed of roses now? 

Nope. 

But I’m happy to be alive, and that is a hell of a lot better than where I was before I came out. 

Life sometimes does contain traces of shit. Sometimes it’s a total shit storm. 

But if you want to be alive, and can keep looking forward to the next day, then I figure that means that you’re experiencing a pretty level and normal range of emotions and life events.

I’ve learned stuff, too: that if I was in America, I would not be allowed to carry on a Cub Scout leader. That in Australia, I’m not allowed to get married. I’ve learned that there are beautiful people in all sexualities and beliefs and genders.That being gay opens a whole new range of jokes and opportunities for crossing the line.

And so, life keeps trundling along.

That’s it for the trilogy, by the way. There are no hidden episodes, no extra stories, no surprise come back tours.

Promise.

But there will always be another blog, another day…

Clean and Dirty

I love this feeling, this moment... Hot water streaming across my shoulders, down my back... Her arms wrapped around me, our bodies pressed together in a warm embrace. Skin to skin. Slightly soapy in an effort to get clean before we get a little dirty. Steam rising, the air thick with pheromones and anticipation. She kisses me at the base of my neck, hands sliding down my torso... "Ok, switch". 

Mother F&%#K!

So this is the down side to showering with some one else, the switching. There is never enough space under the shower head for two people so you stand there freezing, or act like a pig on a spit and rotate rotisserie style under the hot water until the other person is too cold and then you have to do the kind thing and vacate the torrent of streaming hot water. Because lets face it, it's Melbourne, it's winter and its bloody cold! So there is no room for a little sexy time in the shower anymore unless you have central heating, because one of you lovely ladies will inevitably freeze while trying to get the other off. So not sexy! 

Over dinner a few nights ago, Ripley and I came to the conclusion that realistically, the lesbian shower scene is so not as sexy as it is portrayed by the adult film industry. Lets look at the reality of the girl on girl shower scene shall we?

Lets discount the obvious, like the morning breath and get straight to the nitty gritty.

Now I don't know about the rest of you, but I personally think that showering with someone might just be the most personal act you can do with another person (I'm not into peeing with the door open etc... I have boundaries). 

But seriously, you can't hide in the shower! Everything is out there in the open. There's no blanket for you to hide under, you cant turn the lights out (we'll get to the lighting in a second). All you have is you and another person in a semi-confined space completely buck naked and gravity is in full effect! Theres non of this "I'll just lie on my back, so she can see how my nipples point to the floor" business... Their gonna hang, there's no hiding that shit! 

So your standing there, feeling all vulnerable and saggy under fluorescent lighting! Does this help? I think not! Fluorescent lights are not flattering to anyone! All of your flaws are illuminated, the shadows accentuating every flap, fold and inch of hail damage on your behind. Not a comforting thought.

So before we get to the down and dirty stuff (it's coming, I promise. Yup, I'm gonna go there) lets talk about getting clean. 

I dont know about you, but I have a million cleaning products! There's a scrub for your face, a face cleanser, a scrub for your body, a body cleanser, body gel, shampoo, conditioner, hair treatment, loofa, toothpaste etc. God help you if you have housemates and then you have to cram all of their products into the shower as well. My point, is that if your having shower time with someone, and you actually need to use the shower for practical purposes while your lady lover is present.. thats not exactly sexy and can take forever! You use the loofa, she uses the loofa, face cleanser for her, some for you etc. Ok, the you wash my back and I'll wash your back part is cute but then you need to shave your legs, and wash your bits and pieces... not sexy. 

And I mean, what happens if you get soap in your eyes? The stinging and the oh so attractive scrunched up face! Say good-bye to your lady lover's lady-wood then and there. Speaking of washing your face... I don't know about the rest of you, but I wear a lot of makeup, so lets talk about the panda eyes. Have you ever jumped in the shower with your shower buddy, got all clean, then dirty... thought you were oh so sexy with your "Come hither so I can have you" eyes, then looked at yourself in the mirror afterward and realised you look like a Panda form the zoo? Clitty-Boner... Gone!

Now your  both clean and fresh, providing there's still any hot water left its generally time to get a little dirty. 

Scenario: Your shower buddy grabs your waist and pushes against the tiles so that she can have her way with you under the cascading fountain of water. Is your first thought "Oh my god! This is such a turn on"? No. Your first thought is "Holy fucking shit! The tiles are freezing! Don't move! Just don't ruin it!"

And what about your ever devoted and talented lady lover? What's going through her mind as she's on her knees diving for clams? Is it "Fuck she's so sexy! She feels amazing!"? No. She kneeling there, thinking to herself "Must not drown. Just don't breath. Just hold your breath and don't drown."

All I'm going to say is that if she doesn't drown and you get highly sought after steamy moment of ecstasy, you better hope there's some hot water left by the time she's done. Because if that were me, and I put in all that effort not drowning just for you, I'd be wanting some cold tile    action of my own. 

Temperature, lighting, cleansing and impracticality of sexual moments aside, there is something extremely intimate and special about sharing a shower with someone. Getting to see that other person, so vulnerable and exposed, know that you are trusted that much and trusting them in return, it's nice to have that kind of connection. 

That, and when the tiles aren't cold... even when they are, shower sex is amazing. 

So my sapphic sisters get a little wet, get a little soapy and move over... It;s my turn under the shower. 

Winners of the LOTL Photo Competition

Congrats Amy and Alyssa

ANNIKA

LOTL - Photo Competition

Congratulations to Amy and Alyssa, the winners of the recent LOTL competition for best couple photo.

It was such a tough job trying to decide on one winner with so many fantastic photos to choose from. So a huge thank you from LOTL to all the beautiful couples that entered the competition.

Prize winners, Amy and Alyssa, won a loverville photo package with the very talented photographer Martine Payne.

Check out more of Martine’s amazing work at www.martinepayne.com or www.lotl.com and and through her facebook page.

Now here are some of the beautiful photos of Amy ans Alyssa taken by Martine Payne.

LOTL - Lesbian Life Style

LOTL - Queer women Photo Competition

LOTL Best Lesbian Couple 

LOTL - Same Sex Couple Photo Competition

LOTL - Bisexual Photo contest 2013

LOTL - Same Sex Intimate Relationship

LOTL - Mardi Gras Photo Contest Winner 2013

This article appears in the Web Articles 2013 issue of LOTL
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LOTL - Your sex questions answered

LOTL's sex therapist is in the house

CHRISTINA SPACCAVENTO

LOTL Sex Therapist

Q. Dear Christina, After reading your article I saw on lotl.com I wanted to write to you. I am  a young lesbian , although I have only been ‘out ‘ for about 6 months. I have not yet had a girlfriend. I have kissed girls and stuff but nothing more. I am so nervous at the thought of having sex with another woman. I am just really scared I won’t know what t o do and she will be put off my lack of ie no experience.  Will it all come naturally?

A.It is normal to feel apprehensive, nervous and sometimes even scared when we are endeavouring on new experiences in our lives, including sexual ones too. So that your next sexual experience with a woman can be enjoyable and as fear free as possible it might be a good idea to let the woman know that you haven't been 'out' for very long and are still exploring intimacy with women. Talking about sex and sexual techniques with your partners can also be helpful. It is however important that you are discerning in who you choose to share this information with. It is usually easier to feel safe, supported and free of judgement when trying new things if you have sex with someone you have been dating for a while, with whom you feel comfortable and safe and have developed some trust and rapport. When you have developed a relationship with someone they are more likely to be understanding of your situation and support you in your sexual and personal growth.

LOTL - Lesbian Emotional & Social factors

Remember the saying "practice makes perfect", well the same goes for feeling comfortable and relaxed during sex. The more you do it, the easier it will get, the more you will understand your likes and dislikes and the more natural it will feel. So don't be afraid to try new things and explore your sexuality with a partner(s) or on your own. But always make sure it is in a safe environment.

Q.    Hi Christina,  I have a problem that I need advice on. I have been dating my girlfriend for 5 years now. At first , within the first 3 months sex was great, she was never as adventurous as I was, quite vanilla, but still we had a connection. After the 3 month mark though the sex started slipping away.  We have only been having sex about once every month or every 2^nd month. This has been going on almost for 5 years. I have brought it up with her and we have seen a therapist about these issues. She has also had hormone testing done as well. There has been nothing to show why her sex drive is so low. She also does not give oral sex nor does she like to receive it. I am at my wits end and not happy at all and very jealous of all my other friends who are in intimate relationships. I am not sure what to do. Can you really break up with someone just over a sexual mismatch, even though I am in love with her?

A.You have raised a few issues here that are quite common in long term relationships. The first I would like to discuss is the reduction in frequency of love making.  It is common that we will notice a reduction in the frequency of sex after the relationship has passed from the initial phase into the committed and long-term phase. A common complaint, it can nevertheless be a baffling and unsettling change within a relationship. We often spend a lot of time trying to understand why? But this change can be simply explained by the cycle of limerence, that is, the initial wave of relationship euphoria, feeling passionately in love and having a lot of sex followed by a petering out of this initial passion into the daily routine of a relationship. 

Although the initial excitement and intensity may be gone, the relationship is usually more intimate. When limerence wears off, each person's level of sexual desire and level of sexual interest in the relationship is more accurately represented. From your description of events it sounds like you and your girlfriend experienced limerence followed by some normal progressions in a long-term relationship. Having said this, it does not mean that the current situation cannot change and you and your girlfriend cannot work things through to have more frequent and fulfilling sex. There may be multiple reasons as to why your girlfriend does not feel like being sexual more often, including physiological, psychological, emotional and social factors such as shame and embarrassment around sex.

LOTL - Ask Sex Questions

Were all of these issues explored with your therapist? Have and your girlfriend spoken about her reasons for not wanting to be sexual and why she does not like oral sex? Does she want the sexual dynamics in the relationship to change? Clear and honest communication is essential if you are going to get a better understanding of what is going on for your girlfriend. In terms of ending the relationship based on mismatched sexual desire, it is important that you get clear on your values and needs in regards to relationships and the importance of sex to you in this relationship.

Is this a make or break issue? Are you willing to negotiate with your girlfriend and come to a compromise? Are you willing to work on this relationship? The great part of all of this however, is that your have found a woman that you are in love with that on some levels must make you very happy. So, I would recommend that you seek some further help from an experienced and qualified sex therapist to work on this issue before you make any major decisions.

LOTL - Christina Spaccavento Sex Therapist

Christina Spaccavento is a qualified and experienced Sex Therapist, Relationship Specialist and Counsellor who works with individuals and couples on a broad range of sexual and relationship issues at her practice in Darlinghurst. She has a background in working with diverse cultural and linguistic communities and regularly works with GLBTQI members of the community.

In addition to running her clinical practice, Christina regularly conducts sexuality seminars for health professionals and the general public on a diverse range of topics and has contributed to the National Geographic television documentary series Taboo as an expert therapist.  She has also made various contributions to academic and media publications and radio in the area of sexology and sexual health.

Christina has a Masters of Sexual Health from the University of Sydney, is certified and registered with the Australian Counselling Association and is a Board Member of the Australian Association of Sex Educators, Researchers and Therapists in NSW (ASSERT NSW).

To  find out more about Christina or to book an appointment go to www.lotl.com

This article appears in the Web Articles 2013 issue of LOTL
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Mental Health Workshops for the LGBTI community

Depression and Suicide Prevention Workshops

LAURA

LOTL - LBGTI Mental Health Workshops

MindOUT! is the National LGBTI Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Projectbeing delivered by the National LGBTI Health Alliance with the Queensland elements of MindOUT! being delivered at a state level by Queensland Association for Healthy Communities.

This is the first national project of its kind that is working to increase the capacity of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Intersex communities to respond to suicide and to increase the responsiveness of mainstream mental health services to LGBTI service users

An important element of MindOUT! are the ‘Standing Strong’ seminars and workshops about mental health and suicide in the LGBTI communities that have been delivered across Australia, and are now coming to Brisbane.

LOTL - Mindout  LBGTI Community

‘These are a practical space for LGBTI people and communities to learn about how to deal with depression, anxiety and suicide with a specific focus on the needs of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex people.’ Said Sally Morris, MindOUT! Queensland Coordinator

‘Depression, anxiety and suicide is significant in the LGBTI community as a result of discrimination, homophobia and prejudice, and these workshops are a space for LGBTI people to lean about what they can do to actively challenge this experience.’ Said Morris

LOTL - Queer women Mental Health Program

Two workshops will be held in Brisbane in August and we encourage LGBTI people, volunteers, community leaders and friends and family of LGBTI people to attend.  These workshops will be facilitated by Barry Taylor, the Senior Project Officer for MindOUT! with the National LGBTI Health Alliance who has extensive experience working with mental health and sucide. 

LOTL - Mental Health Promotion Programme

Rainbow Blues – Understanding depression and anxiety and supporting each other effectively

Monday 19^th August 2013

6 to 9pm

Riverside Receptions (50 Oxlade Dr, New Farm)

Free

From Dying to Thriving – Suicide amongst LGBTI people and what can we do about it

Saturday 17^th August 2013

10am to 3.30pm

Riverside Receptions (50 Oxlade Dr, New Farm)

$15

Registrations are essential – please visit www.lgbtihealth.org.au/mindouttraining to register

LOTL - LBG&T MindFulness Day Melbourne

MindOUT! is funded by the Department of Health and Ageing.  For more information about MindOUT! in Queensland please visit www.lotl.com / www.qahc.org.au/mindout orwww.facebook.com/mindoutqueensland

                                                                               

       

This article appears in the Web Articles 2013 issue of LOTL
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A Global Study on Same-Sex Marriage

How does Australia fare compared to other countries?

ANNIKA

LOTL - Same Sex Couples Australia

Although the majority of Australians support same-sex marriage, support here is still lower than in many other countries with Australia ranking 10^thaccording to a new 16-country study by market research company Ipsos.

Ipsos surveyed more than 12,000 adults in 16 countries about gay marriage, legal recognition of same-sex relationships and adoption by same-sex couples.

The findings revealed that the country’s most in support of same-sex couples were Sweden, Norway and Spain, while the least supportive were South Korea, Hungary and Japan. Australians were less supportive than those in Great Britain and Canada, but more supportive than those in the US.

Falling roughly in the middle, 54% of Australians said they supported same sex marriage and a further 20% said they supported some form of legal recognition but not marriage. More than two thirds, or 67%, agreed that ‘same-sex couples should have the same rights to adopt children as heterosexual couples do’ (compared to an average of 59% across the 16 countries), placing Australia in 5^th place on this issue.

LOTL - Lesbian Love Marriage Australia

Further, 72% of Australian respondents agreed that ‘same-sex couples are just as likely as other parents to successfully raise children’, compared to the study average of 64%.

Although these findings may be disheartening, Ipsos Mind & Mood Executive Director Dr Rebecca Huntley says “One of the most interesting findings of the survey is how attitudes toward same-sex relationships have evolved.”

“One third of Australians we surveyed said their views on same-sex marriage were different than they were five years ago. We also found that women, unmarried people and active social media users were all significantly more likely to support gay marriage.” States Dr Huntley

LOTL - Queer Marriage Equality

Globally, females (77%, compared to 69% of males) and the unmarried (76% compared to 69% of those married) were most likely to support gay marriage. 

Those who said they had no religion were also more likely to support gay marriage than the religious (77% compared to 61% supporting), as were those who said they have a work colleague, close friend or relative who is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender (82% compared to 53% among those who did not). 

Australia was in 4^th place in terms of the proportion stating that their views on same-sex marriage have changed.  Half (50%) of those surveyed in Argentina said that their views on same sex-marriage are different than they were five years ago, followed by 47% of those in South Korea and 36% of those in Japan. 

Based on the findings from this study, I would have to say that Australia still has a long way to go in their support of same-sex marriage.

For more information you can visit www.lotl.com

This article appears in the Web Articles 2013 issue of LOTL
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Sexuality: Born or bred?

Does how you come by your sexual orientation really matter?

KIM STEWART

LOTL - Lesbian Sexual Orientation

When Cynthia Nixon wed her long time girlfriendChristine Marinoni this past May, it certainly put a period at the end of a contentious relationship Nixon had developed recently with the gay and lesbian community Australia.

Earlier this year, gay rights activists lambasted Nixon for stating publicly that she chose the lesbian lifestyle as opposed to having been born with such proclivities. Given what is public information in her bio, it appears that she may have been born bisexual. But, for discussion purposes, maybe she never really accepted that the concept of being with a woman was within her reach until fairly late in life. It is the latter explanation that is worth examining.

Women of a certain age have probably had sex with both men and women more than we might believe or even admit. We were shaped and molded from birth to be a perfect wife for a man. Societal pressure to conform is still a tremendous force, so think about that force exerted on those of us born before 1970. Working outside of the home was a big issue after World War II in the United States. Just imagine a young woman saying to her parents that she doesn’t want to marry but would rather get a job and have sex with women. Might as well put up the stake and tend the fires, because witch burning would have commenced.

LOTL.COM - Same sex Sexuality

It is the advent of these hard and fast descriptions which really box us in to a corner as they fail to recognize the muddle we all live in called life. I would daresay that having had sex with men and then recognizing later in life that one’s true sexual interest is women does not make a bisexual, but by “definition” that may be what gets engraved on a headstone at some future date.

I am sure that the experience of males born prior to 1970 in terms of societal influence and pressure would have been just as great. Are those men bisexual? Some probably were and are, but I don’t see this classification of people as being so easy to define. This kind of thinking always brings back thoughts of Rock Hudson, the dashing star(let) who was finally outed by having contracted and died of AIDS.

I grew up in a Southern California beach town where many famous actors and actresses went to play. They could remain quite anonymous and be themselves despite its relative close proximity to Los Angeles. Cellular phone cameras and twenty-four hour cable channels were not even drifting in anyone’s imagination when Rock and company would settle into his little cottage. The neighbors all knew he was home and what was going on.

LOTL - Bisexual Sexuality Cycle

It was not until I was in college that I realized that most people did not know of the true Rock Hudson. Yes, he had this screen image and even married a woman briefly early in his movie career, but there is nothing about him that suggested he was bisexual either. He played the role of a heterosexual male for work and went home to be a gay man.

Cynthia Nixon may well have “chosen” to be a lesbian for this chapter of her life. I don’t think it denigrates our political voice or lessens our impact on the shape of things to come if we leave a bit of the political correctness at the curb. It is our humanness that we need to embrace every day, all while recalling that humanness is not always a neat and tidy package.

This article appears in the Web Articles 2012 issue of LOTL
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